If you’ve ever heard yourself say, “They’re just not listening,” or “They’re doing this on purpose,” you’re like us all!

But there’s another possibility that changes your perspective.

Sometimes, the behaviour we’re seeing isn’t a choice. It’s a body signal on the outside, from a child who can’t yet read what’s happening on the inside.

That’s where interoception comes in.

Not as a trendy buzzword. Not as another program to “implement”. As a human skill that sits quietly underneath so many of the things we want kids to be able to do: notice needs, stay safe, recover from stress, communicate discomfort, and eventually regulate themselves.

Interoception: the “inside sense” we all have (and many are still learning)

Interoception is the sensory system that helps us notice what’s happening inside our body.

It’s the reason you can feel:

• a racing heart

• a dry mouth

• a tight chest

• butterflies in your stomach

• a headache building

• the urge to wee

• hunger, thirst, nausea, fatigue

• that weird “something is off” feeling you can’t quite name

It’s not just about basic needs. It’s also part of how we experience emotion. For many people, feelings are first experienced as body changes.

Interoception exists from birth, but the understanding of it develops over time, and it develops best with support.

Kids don’t magically know that “this belly feeling means hungry” or “this chest feeling means I’m getting stressed.” They learn through experience, language, connection, and repeated support from safe adults.

How babies learn regulation: interoception first, then co-regulation

If you want a simple way to understand co-regulation, look at an infant.

A baby’s body goes into discomfort. They cry, squirm, stiffen, turn red, shut their eyes, or startle. That’s their internal experience coming out through their body.

The adult steps in and does the best kind of caregiving there is: curiosity.

• Is it hunger?

• Is it wind?

• Is it cold?

• Is it too bright?

• Is it too much noise?

• Do they need holding, rocking, pressure, movement?

Adults don’t always get it right on the first try, and that’s normal. They try, adjust, and keep reading the baby’s cues.

When the adult gets it right, the baby’s body shifts. Relief arrives. The nervous system settles.

That cycle happens over and over, and it quietly teaches something huge:
your internal experience matters, and support is possible.

That’s the start of regulation. Not compliance. Not coping skills. Not a chart. A body learning it can be understood and helped.

When that process breaks down, kids protect themselves by disconnecting

If a child repeatedly experiences distress and there’s no consistent support, the body adapts.

For some children, the safest strategy is to go offline internally. To stop noticing. To push down discomfort signals because paying attention doesn’t lead to help, it just hurts more.

This is not stubbornness. It’s survival.

Even children in loving, connected homes can still have their body-listening disrupted. Because outside the home, the world is full of messages that teach children to ignore their body.

The “anti-body listening” world our kids are growing up in

At some point, many kids move from being treated as tiny humans with needs to being treated as tiny humans who should comply.

The shift is everywhere:

• “Sit still.”

• “Good posture.”

• “Stop fidgeting.”

• “You’re fine.”

• “That doesn’t hurt.”

• “It’s not that loud.”

• “You just ate.”

• “Calm down.”

• “Use your words” (while their nervous system is in a stress response)

None of this is usually said with cruelty. It’s often said with love, urgency, or exhaustion. But the message the child receives is the same:

Your body is inconvenient. Your signals are wrong. Push through.

That’s how we accidentally derail interoception development, even with the best intentions.

Curiosity is the missing skill in most “behaviour support”

A lot of behaviour systems focus on one thing: getting children to do what we want.

But curiosity asks a different question:
What is happening inside this child that is making this expectation hard right now?

Curiosity doesn’t mean letting everything slide. It means stepping out of the “win the moment” mindset and into “solve the problem” thinking.

It can be as small as noticing:

• the child is wiggling at their desk

• their face is tightening

• they’re chewing their collar

• they’ve gone quiet

• they’re hovering at the door

• they’re asking for snack again

• they’re suddenly loud, silly, or disruptive

  

Instead of immediately correcting, curiosity asks:
What might their body be telling them?

Sometimes it leads to a quick adjustment that takes no extra time:

• moving to the back of the room

• changing position

• getting a drink

• a short movement reset

• offering choice about how to work

• reducing sensory load

• checking whether they need the toilet

• giving a calm, non-public cue rather than a correction

The goal isn’t perfect behaviour. The goal is supporting the body so learning and participation become possible.

One practical language shift that changes

Many adults have been trained to label emotions for kids:

• “You’re frustrated.”

• “You’re anxious.”

• “You’re angry.”

• “You’re in the red zone.”

It’s often well-intended, but it can backfire.

Why? Because we can be wrong. And when a child repeatedly hears adults confidently telling them what they feel, it can create internal confusion and reduce body trust.

A more interoception-friendly approach is to swap certainty for curiosity.

Try:

• “I’m noticing your body is doing this.”

• “I wonder what your body is telling you.”

• “I wonder what your body needs right now.”

• “I noticed this yesterday, and then you went to the bathroom. Could it be something like that today?”

• “Is it the same for you, or different?”

This teaches children the real skill: checking in with themselves.

It also keeps dignity intact. It leaves room for the child to be the expert on their own body.

Another habit to drop: dismissing body signals

A lot of the common phrases adults use are meant to help, but they accidentally shut down body awareness:

• “You’re fine.”

• “Brush it off.”

• “No big deal.”

• “It’s not that bad.”

These phrases teach kids to ignore discomfort and override their internal cues.

Instead, validation plus curiosity looks like:

• “I saw you fall. That looked like it hurt.”

• “Let’s check it.”

• “What do you notice in your body right now?”

• “What would help your body feel better?”

This is not “being soft”. This is building a child’s lifelong ability to notice needs and respond safely.

The “should feel” trap

Another common interoception barrier is teaching kids that certain feelings always show up in a specific way.

For example:

• “Hunger feels like your stomach growling.”

• “Anger is when your fists clench and your face gets hot.”

• “Anxiety is butterflies.”

Sometimes that’s true. Sometimes it isn’t.

Bodies vary. A lot.

Some children feel hunger as nausea, skin tingling, irritability, fatigue, or a vague “yuck” feeling. Some children experience anger as shutdown. Some experience anxiety as heaviness or numbness.

When we teach “should feels,” kids can end up waiting for a signal that never comes, or thinking their body is wrong.

A better approach is exploring each child’s pattern:

• “What do you notice first?”

• “Where do you feel it?”

• “What changes in your body when that happens?”

• “What helps after?”

This is how children start building a personalised map of their inner world.

Why this matters more than any poster on the wall

If we want safer classrooms, calmer homes, and fewer blow-ups, we can’t build that on compliance alone.

A child who can read their body signals is a child who can:

• advocate earlier

• recognise rising stress

• ask for help sooner

• recover faster

• make choices that keep them safe

• understand emotions without being flooded by them

Interoception supports self-regulation, but it also supports wellbeing, health, boundaries, and independence.

This is deep human development, not a trend.

A few takeaways you can use straight away

Notice what the body is doing before correcting the behaviour.

• Swap emotion labels for curiosity statements.

• Drop dismissive comfort phrases and replace them with validation plus problem-solving.

• Avoid “should feel” teaching. Help kids map their own signals.

• Remember that children learn body-awareness through repeated co-regulation, not through being told to cope harder.

• Support teachers and parents first. An adult nervous system sets the tone for the whole environment.

The goal isn’t a perfectly compliant child.

The goal is a child who trusts their body, understands their signals, and knows they will be supported when something feels hard.

That’s the foundation regulation actually sits on.

Credit and Acknowledgement

This article is inspired by the work of Dr Kelly Mahler. We acknowledge and thank Dr Mahler for sharing her perspectives and sparking important reflection.

This blog post is a RegEd interpretation and synthesis of those ideas, shaped through our own neuroscience-informed, sensory-aware, and relational lens. The views expressed here reflect RegEd’s understanding and application of the concepts discussed and do not represent Dr Mahler’s words, positions, or frameworks, nor should they be taken as a direct representation of her work.

More information on Dr. Kelly Mahler and her work can be found at https://www.kelly-mahler.com/

Visits us: www.reged.com.au