When “No” Is Actually Useful: A Rethink on Non-Compliance
The moment every adult knows…
You ask a child to do something completely reasonable. Shoes on. Pack up. Turn it off. Come over here. Start the worksheet. Hop in the car.
And you get… no.
Or silence.
Or a body that suddenly turns to jelly.
Or a full-blown volcano.
It’s easy to land in the usual adult thoughts:
They’re being difficult.
They’re pushing buttons.
They know better.
They’re doing it on purpose.
But a “no” is often a nervous system message. Not a character flaw. Not a parenting failure. Not a kid “choosing chaos”.
Non-compliance isn’t the problem. It’s the clue.
The thing we miss when we chase compliance
A lot of the strategies we’ve all inherited (rewards, punishments, threats, taking things away, sticker charts, “because I said so”) are built around one goal: get the behaviour to stop.
Sometimes it works in the short term, in the same way a fire alarm can be silenced by pulling the batteries out.
Quieter? Yes.
Safer? No.
Problem solved? Definitely not.
When we focus on behaviour, we often miss what matters most: what the child is trying to communicate with that behaviour.
Although it can feel inconvenient at times, children are usually telling us something real.
“Non-compliance” is information (and thank goodness for that)
If a child can’t meet an expectation, we want to know that. Because it means something is getting in the way.
Maybe the expectation is too big for their current skills.
Maybe it’s happening at the wrong time of day.
Maybe the sensory load is wild.
Maybe they’re running on fumes.
Maybe the task is confusing, or feels unsafe, or hits a fear button, or triggers shame.
Whatever it is, the “no” is data. It’s a little flare in the dark: something here is hard.
When adults squash non-compliance, we lose access to the data.
And when we lose the data, we stop solving problems and start managing explosions.
Convenience isn’t the same as capacity
Compliance can feel convenient.
Especially when you’re:
rushing out the door
holding a baby
on the phone with your boss
teaching a class of 28
running a training session
trying to keep it together on four hours of sleep
We get it. Adults have nervous systems too.
But pressure-based compliance comes with a cost. For some kids, pushing harder doesn’t lead to cooperation. It leads to a bigger stress response. The child’s brain–body system isn’t refusing, it’s overloading.
And then we all end up in the classic loop:
Adult pushes
Child escalates
Adult escalates harder
Everyone loses
Nothing is actually solved
Same thing tomorrow
That’s not effective discipline. That’s two nervous systems in a tug-of-war.
The real work is underneath: the unsolved problem
Instead of starting with “How do I make them listen?”, the more helpful question is:
“What expectation are they struggling to meet, and what’s making it hard?”
That’s the pivot.
Because “won’t” is usually a disguise for “can’t (yet)”.
And “can’t yet” is always attached to a reason.
A few very common “unsolved problems” we see across settings:
ending a preferred activity
moving from one task to another
hygiene tasks (teeth, hair, showering, nail cutting)
getting out the door on time
joining group activities
tolerating noise, crowds, touch, bright light, smells
coping with uncertainty or last-minute changes
Don’t guess the reason. Even when you’re a professional. Even when you’ve been doing this for 20 years. Even when you’re sure.
Because you can be wildly wrong, and kids will show you that quickly.
Asking changes everything (but timing matters)
There’s a reason problem-solving works best before the chaos.
When a child is already in a stress response, their thinking brain has clocked off. Often, so has the adult’s.
Proactive conversations work because the nervous system is calmer, and the child has access to words, reflection, and choice.
And yes, you’ll often get: “I don’t know.”
That’s not a dead end. It’s a starting point.
Kids say “I don’t know” for many reasons:
no one has ever asked them like this before
they think they’re in trouble
they don’t have language for body feelings yet
they don’t trust the adult will stay calm
they’re scared the answer will make things worse
So you slow down. You stay warm. You make it safe.
Sometimes you simply say:
“That’s okay. You’re not in trouble. I’m just trying to understand. Take your time.”
And then you wait.
Sensory factors matter, but not everything is sensory
This is a big one for the RegEd community.
Yes, sensory processing can be a major part of why expectations are hard:
toothpaste taste or strong mint
toothbrush pressure on gums
water on face or hair
loud classrooms, echoey gyms, scraping chairs
scratchy uniforms, tight socks, seams
internal body cues (hunger, nausea, fatigue, needing the toilet)
And also… sometimes it’s not sensory at all.
Sometimes it’s:
feeling controlled
feeling rushed
not knowing what comes next
fear of getting it wrong
embarrassment
a trust rupture
a past bad experience
Its no always “spotting the sensory issue”.
The win is staying curious enough to find the real barrier.
Presume competence: every child has something to tell us
If a child uses limited speech, uses AAC, is non-speaking, or communicates through behaviour and body language, the answer isn’t “we can’t collaborate then”.
The answer is: find the child’s communication channel.
Because every child communicates.
Every child has preferences.
Every child experiences stress and safety.
And every child deserves to be included in solving the problems that affect them.
Presuming competence isn’t abstract. It’s practical. It stops adults from making decisions based on guesswork.
What this looks like in real life
It looks like less “You need to…”
And more “Help me understand…”
It looks like adults swapping power struggles for problem-solving.
It looks like:
fewer blow-ups (because predictable stress points are planned for)
more trust (because kids feel heard)
better learning access (because regulation improves)
less exhaustion (because the same battles aren’t fought daily)
Most importantly, it keeps dignity intact.
Because the goal isn’t obedience.
The goal is capacity, connection, and workable solutions.
A few takeaways you can use straight away
Treat a “no” as information: something here is hard.
Name the expectation clearly (what exactly are we asking?)
Get curious about the barrier (what makes it tough?)
Solve proactively, not during the blow-up
Make it safe: “You’re not in trouble. I’m not mad. I want to understand.”
Go slower than you want to. Waiting works.
Don’t assume it’s sensory, but keep sensory load on your radar.
Involve the child. Always. Even if you need a different communication pathway.
Kids aren’t giving us a hard time.
They’re having a hard time, and they’re showing us where the support needs to go.
Credit and Acknowledgement
This article was inspired by the work of Dr Ross Greene. We acknowledge and thank Dr. Greene for sharing his experience and perspectives.
This blog post is a RegEd interpretation and synthesis of those ideas, shaped through our own neuroscience-informed, sensory-aware, and relational lens. The views expressed here reflect RegEd’s understanding and application of the concepts discussed and do not represent Dr Greene’s words, positions, or frameworks, nor should they be taken as a direct representation of his work.
More information on Dr. Ross Greene and his work can be found at https://livesinthebalance.org/
